Fiddle Strings
“Thanks for having us folks. We’re the Deep Holler Boys.” His sandpaper voice shook Ava. She pushed through the crowd towards the stage then planted her feet on the front row, her mouth agape. Goddamn, Reed Wagner! “We’ve just got back from a tour in Europe. It’s fucking great to be home in Tennessee... ‘scuse my French, this here’s a family gathering!” He tipped his cowboy hat, his mischievous grin so intoxicating, pulled dried memories from Ava’s mind. Many summers ago, dancing at the honky-tonk, his whiskers tickling her neck, her body caving into him. Ava studied Reed and the three young men bent over their instruments in deep communion. They wore Wrangler jeans and plaid cowboy shirts. The familiar rush of the strings, the mellow thump of the bass, Ava’s heart raced merrily as she remembered Reed teaching her to play fiddle, so different from her classical cello training. Reed, Cam, Walt, and Jimmy were still together after six years. Reed put his fiddle to his side, his large hand curled around the delicate instrument, and wailed like his soul would burst from his chest, a deep guttural call that ripped through Ava’s heart and mind. Dupree's blows came in the form of words not fists, his cutting remarks about the way she cooked something, Liam’s clutter around the house, worst of all the baby weight she still hadn’t shed for three years now. Ava inhaled the smell of sweat, sun, basking in the patchouli swirling around her. She scanned her surroundings, the hippies and cowboys pressed close to the stage, such a stark contrast to Dupree and his manicured doctor friends. She stepped away from the stage and took in the Earth Day Celebration again. Festivals always made her feel a little more alive. Hell, being out at all these days felt like something special, especially since Liam’s autism diagnosis. Festivals were completely out of the question and probably always would be. The loud noise and crowd would really agitate him. Liam was a perfectly healthy baby boy, but when the delays began to mount - his lack of eye-contact, poor motor skills and speech delay - they finally took him to a specialist. Everything had changed so swiftly, the whole trajectory of their lives. Dupree blamed Ava for the loss of a son who would likely never play football, go to dances, make him proud. She remembered his cold glare in the doctor's office. Dupree could suck the joy out of the room, one misstep, any perceived slight. He turned it on for the crowd, but behind closed doors Ava would pay with a brutal verbal assault. Ava felt the familiar mixture of bitterness and fear squeeze her chest. “Thanks for having us folks. We’re the Deep Holler Boys and we’ll be playing at Patrick Sullivan’s in the Old City this evening.” Reed’s voice pulled her back to the present. Ava watched entranced as he removed his cowboy hat, tucked his fiddle to his side and took a bow. Ava’s knees felt weak as she quickly walked to the rear of the stage before she lost her nerve. “Reed?” she shouted. He looked up. They locked eyes. “Ava,” he jumped off the stage and gave her a huge bear hug. “I didn’t know you lived in Knoxville.” Reed’s hazel eyes flickered in the late afternoon sun spray. Ava looked down, her dishwater blonde hair falling over her emerald eyes. “Yeah,” I moved down here from Johnston City almost three years ago now.” She buried her hands in her front jean pockets and felt a pang of guilt for not saying “we.” “Your band changed its name. I like the new one better.” Her words tumbled out. “Yep, Cam and I had it out about ‘Little Willow.’ Cam said it was a sissy name.” Ava laughed, “So, The Deep Holler Boys!” “It fits, don’t it!” Reed’s gaze pulled her in, and she was twenty-one again, a naïve dreamer ready to believe guys like him could really love her. “Hey, you still playing the fiddle? You picked it up so fast.” Reed’s eyes lit up like maybe he’d remembered those private lessons too, the ones that ended his bed. “Nah, I gave that up a while back. But I am giving cello lessons. It’s about the best thing going for me.” Ava looked into the distance thinking on her only escape from Dupree’s crushing words and all of Liam’s special needs. “I bet you’d pick it back up in a hot minute!” Reed winked. “You know you’re probably right.” Ava blushed and felt a new found confidence. “You had talent Ava and living here in Knoxville there’s such a great music scene. You outta get back into it.” “I just might.” Ava exhaled deeply. “Hey, we gotta do a short radio interview. I’m sorry we’re in such a rush.” He bent down and snapped his fiddle case closed stickers from all over, a cluttered collage of life on the road. “You’ve gotta come to our show tonight. We’re playing in the Old City at Patrick Sullivan’s.” “I don’t know . . . it’s hard to get away…” Ava thought of Liam, who would watch him since Dupree was out of town. “I’ll try…” her words faded into the afternoon haze. “Look, I’ll put you on the guest list. You’re coming!” “I don’t know,” Ava bit her lower lip. “Come on, Reed. We’re gonna be late!” Cam hollered and waved from a circle of adoring lady fans. Cam jogged over, black curls falling carelessly around his tight jaw. “Ava, well hell, good to see you girl.” He turned to Reed with a hurried smile, “Now, come on, we’re gonna be late for our radio show. We’ll see you tonight at the show, right?” Cam pulled Reed by the arm. Reed grabbed Ava’s hand. “Now you don’t want to disappoint Cam do you?” “Okay, what time?” A smile crept up Ava’s cheeks. “Ten o’clock,” Reed squeezed her hand, a rush of electricity pulsing through her. Ava’s heart pounded; he could still do that to her, flip her totally upside-down, confused and totally helpless to his charms. Overwhelmed, Ava closed her eyes, trying to forget the stark realities that gnawed at her mind. Ava felt the air swirl around her, and remembered dancing with Reed again, the way he dipped and twirled her. She opened her eyes to late afternoon tangerine light. Feel this. Be here now. She was going to that show tonight, someway, somehow.
***
Ava shuddered as she pulled into the driveway, a brick McMansion in a gated community. Ava’s eyes filled with tears as it hit her, her home was her prison. Ava entered the house by the garage door that led to the back den. Liam sat Indian style rocking side-to-side, watching Thomas the Train. Tow-headed and freckled, he looked just like her toddler photos. “James red. James red,” he repeated. Ava had to smile, a small victory since they started with the new therapist. She swooped down and kissed Liam on the cheek. “Well, looks like someone decided to show up.” Judith stood in the doorway, a laundry basket in her arms, poised and collected in an ivory pants suit. Her set silver hair gleamed, and her navy eyes sparkled. A mixed feeling of gratitude and disdain twisted in Ava’s throat. “You must have been enjoying yourself.” Judith appraised Ava with clenched. “I really appreciate it Judith. It was great to have some ‘me’ time.” “Did you hear Liam’s new words?” Judith pointed a bejeweled hand towards Liam. “Yes, it’s great to see the therapy really is making a difference,” Ava swooned. “Only when the therapy is followed up with routine and practice at home.” “Thanks for reminding me Judith,” Ava’s heart pounded in her ears. “You know if your son was around for more than a minute to help out, and this weekend off at a car show!” “Now, let’s not make a scene Ava. Dupree is a doctor. That’s what you signed up for.” Judith’s almond shaped eyes narrowed to small circles. “He deserves a break. What about me? I’m here day-in and day-out. I go to all the therapies and still find time to teach my lessons.” Judith clicked her tongue against her teeth and shook her head. “You don’t have to work. You choose to teach those lessons.” Unbelievable. “Well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” Ava whispered to herself. “You’ve never worked a day in your life. You don’t know anything about a career, a passion. I was supposed to be in the San Francisco orchestra...” “Right, before you got knocked up and trapped my son in this marriage,” Judith spat. Ava wilted to the sofa, and buried her head in her hands, too tired to fight. “Thomas blue. Thomas blue,” Liam chanted. “Let me keep Liam tonight. You seem tired. You can meet us at church in the morning,” Judith stated in a patronizing tone. “So, you can hold this over my head?” “I’m offering you a break, Ava. Just what you said you needed.” She did need it, and she wanted to see Reed again. “Look, I’ve already packed his bag.” “Okay,” Ava sighed, defeated. Of course, she’d counted on it. Ava bent down and hugged Liam whispering. He just continued to rock side-to-side. This part of his disorder always stung Ava the most, his inability to respond to her emotionally. “I’ve got it under control.” Judith stood up from the coach adjusting her suit jacket. “I’m sure you do,” Ava muttered as she walked toward the front door.
***
The smell of sweat and beer hit Ava as she opened the large stained-glass door to Patrick Sullivan’s Saloon. This historic tavern, and former brothel, exuded character. She could feel the stories under her feet, the crimes and histories breathing in the smoke tinged walls. Ava smiled when the bouncer asked for her I.D. and felt a short heart palpitation as he scanned his clipboard for her name on the guest list. “Yep, says Ava Roberts though?” “Roberts is my maiden name.” “Alright, go on.” the bald and bulky bouncer marked off her name. Ava ordered a Pabst Blue Ribbon instead of her usual chardonnay at the bar, then fell into the sway of the crowd pushed up front in search of Reed. The fellows grinned wildly, their glassy eyes already lit up on Jack Daniel’s. Walt with his big blonde beard thumped his upright bass and spun it around for show. Jimmy’s shaggy chestnut hair covered his eyes as he plucked the banjo. Cam with his small, sinewy frame leaned into his guitar and kicked up the heel of his black leather cowboy boot. Ava let the music roll over her - the guitar, banjo, bass and fiddle united in a melody of string and chords. College girls danced in circles around Ava, fresh faced, hopeful. They wore heavy makeup and too tight jeans with barely-there tops. What would she tell her 20-year-old self? You’ll never look this good again, don’t fall in love with musicians, don’t rebound with a med student, take your birth control. With these college beauties spinning around her, Ava suddenly felt conscious of her own body and twenty pounds plus since college. Ava felt out of place, with her sleek bob cut and simple silver hoops. She wore a dusky rose tank top with a low scoop neck and deep indigo jeans that molded her curves just right. Before Ava knew it she had ordered a shot of Four Roses and had another PBR in her hand. The bourbon pumped through her blood. She was filled up with the bluegrass music, a holy vessel of sacred song. Reed ripped up the fiddle, Walt thumped the bass, Jimmy plucked the banjo, and Cam bore into his guitar. They were all lost in the language of the instruments, privy to this strange tongue that spoke through strings. Then a fiddle solo, Reed’s strings flew into the air. He stomped and played, possessed. Popped horsehair dangled from his bow, remnants of a melodic furry. She danced, letting it move through her while he played the wild strings of her heart. Ava danced up front now, between cool college boys and gaggles of drunk girls. She caught Reed’s crackling hazel eyes, a firelicked glow, and he grinned. Ava smiled back with every inch of her body that rose into the light. Then Reed was gone, again. Away, his eyes closed, taken over by the ghosts of musicians before him, lost to the instrument and the call. He moved his arm like a lumberjack sawing fast and swift into a log. “One more song,” Walt tilted his bass to take a bow. Ava couldn’t believe they were almost done. Oh, shit, how many drinks had she had? Cam adjusted his guitar strap and grabbed the mic. “We’d like to ask this pretty little lady up front here, Miss Ava, an old friend of ours to come on stage and play with us!” Ava blushed and surprisingly stepped on stage. Reed handed her his fiddle and stepped up to the mic. “Wagon Wheel!” He winked. Before Ava knew it she was lost in song, one with her instrument, a spirit much greater than herself whipping through her body. She played and sang, her soul bursting with delight. As the song came to an end, Ava stepped to the front of the stage playing beside Reed, their bodies leaning into one another. The crowd went wild shouting, “Hey, Mama Rock Me!” At the end of the song, Ava handed Reed back his fiddle then hopped off stage. The bar flashed “Last call" lights. The boys did one final slow mountain ballad of lost love. Ava walked back to the bar, sat on a stool, and closed her eyes, her head spinning. “Thanks for coming out, folks. We’re the Deep Holler Boys. Buy some of our merch at the back table.” Reed tipped his widebrimmed cowboy hat, jumped off the stage, and headed straight for Ava. He came right up beside Ava, the bottle of Jack in his hand. “Want some?” “I’m good,” Ava smiled. Reed took a couple swigs then sat the bottle on the bar. “Let’s get some fresh air.” Reed lifted her off the bar stool. Ava yelped and followed him down a dark hallway into the alley behind the saloon. It felt like they had walked out of a sauna; the air struck her like a splash of cold water. They walked out of the lamplight by the back door where a van with wooden panels on the sides blocked the exit to the street. “This your ride?” Ava patted the vintage van with peeling paint and a trailer hitched to the back. “I thought ya’ll would've had a tour bus by now?” “Hell no, we can’t afford no bus,” Reed chuckled. The moon slicked over his back, a werewolf of a man, his yellow hazel eyes twinkling in the dim alley light. “What you been up to? How’d you end up here in Knoxville? I mean, the last time I saw you was in Johnston City. You were about to go on tour with that orchestra…right?” The questions poured from Reed’s mouth. Ava was surprised he remembered that much. They’d only dated for a couple months that summer, and even then she only got scraps of him. There was always competition. “I was supposed to tour with them.” Ava leaned back on the van; some paint flaked under her finger. “But you know how it is, make plans and God laughs,” Ava shook the would-have-beens from her mind. “How did you end up here?” He looked down at her with curious eyes. “I met a med student, Dupree.” The words clotted Ava’s mouth like clumps of dirt. “You gone and got yourself a doctor, girl.” Reed managed a smug grin. After Reed, Dupree seemed so solid. He knew what he wanted. He had his shit together, and he had that same charm and magnetic pull in a different way. Ava had been drawn into his orbit; little did she know then that charm was only for the public eye. Ava’s scars were invisible. The shame and guilt haunted her. He could really put it on, that confident smile and charming charisma, but behind closed doors he was a monster. “No, I got knocked up is what happened. We hadn’t been dating that long. He’s a local boy, from right up the road here in Strawberry Plains,” Ava searched the night air around Reed. “Dupree, he's the type to do what you’re supposed to. His residency was here, so we decided to move back to be close to his family especially when Liam came along.” Ava looked up at him, reckoning her situation. “I bet you’re a great mom,” Reed said genuinely. Ava wished that were true, but she continually felt like a failure of a mother, especially in Judith and Dupree’s eyes. Maybe if she tried harder, worked with him more, Liam could show her some affection. They grew silent for a moment under the full moon, a pearly light falling down on them. “I’ll never forget the summer we met.” Reed’s eyes clouded up with memories. “You guys changed my tire,” she leaned back into the van. “You were so mad. Couldn’t stand being a dependent female?” “Well, I could’ve done it myself…,” Ava stepped away from the van and put her hands in her back jean pockets. “So, whatever happened to your fiancée, Rena?” Ava’s words caught her by surprise. Reed turned to his side, looked into the night, and adjusted the buttons on his plaid shirt. “She left me, backed out right before we were gonna get hitched. Said, she didn’t trust me. Would you believe that?” Ava caught the twinkle in his eye, “Go figure,” she laughed. “I mean it was for the best, anyway. I’m on the road all the time. It’s too hard to keep it going when things are like this…” Reed’s voice sagged with the weight of regret. “Funny how you forgot to mention her when we first met.” Ava looked straight at him, her confidence rising. “You know you could have told me…” Ava closed her eyes and sighed, trying to swallow the harsh memories. She opened her eyes when she felt his wide, callous finger on her cheek bone, the deft touch of his finger swept up to the corner of her eye and back away. “Now close your eyes again and make a wish.” He smiled with a tenderness that unsettled her. “What?” She sighed. “Just keep your eyes closed and make a wish.” “Okay.” She wished for the morning not to come. She wished to be twenty-one again. She wished she could sweep out all the pain. Reed traced his rough finger under and away from her eye again, sending shivers down her spine. Ava opened her eyes, and he stood there smiling, that crooked grin that always undid her. “What was that all about?” She poked him playfully in his rib. “You had an eyelash, one under your eye. You had to make a wish before I wiped it away.” “I’ve never heard that.” She rocked back on her heels. “Now don’t tell me your wish.” He put his finger on her lips and leaned into her gaze. She could feel his breath on her cheek with a sweep of desire that blew down to her toes. The heat quivered in her thighs. She held his stare for a moment and remembered the first time; how he’d slid her sundress off one inch at a time. Ava blinked and stepped back shaking her head. “How did you even see an eyelash?” Ava playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Full moon,” he said solemnly drinking her in, “…and I was looking real close.” “I know.” “It’s just been so good to see you Ava.” Reed looked away a moment. Ava grabbed his hand in hers, and he pulled her in. She buried her head in his tangled hair, his cedar musk settling over her. “You too,” she muttered into his chest. She started to pull back, but his lips fell on her neck, their warm flesh unpeeling the desire from her own skin. Ava felt like she would dissolve into the night air around her. She wilted into his kiss, her limbs loose with endorphins; their heat held them up. Reed reached behind her and unlocked the van door. A lusty film glazed over his eyes. She should give in, let go, fall into the abyss of his soulful eyes. Ava deserved this, it wasn’t like Dupree was faithful. She had suspicions of his indiscretions. Lori in his office, the doe-eyed blonde with long nails. The way Lori’s eyes lit up when Ava saw them interact. That night he came home at dawn after the work party. Ava dug her hand in her front pocket and bit her lip, as Reed fumbled to move stuff from the long middle seat. She sobered for a moment, watching him push junk around, thinking of the other women she found out about in addition to his fiancée. Reed turned toward Ava and pulled her in toward him. Ava pushed Reed back “I can’t. I’m married. I’m a mom.” she stepped out from him and looked away down the alley at the milky moonlight. “Oh, little Levi won’t mind if mommy has some fun.” Reed patted the seat under him. “His name is Liam,” Ava said through clenched teeth, and she stepped back further. Reed lurched out of the van, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Come on Ava, we used to have so much fun?” He grabbed her breast. “Cut it out!” She slapped him in the face, the sharp clap of skin surprising her. “Ouch! What’d you do that for? I thought you wanted this.” Reed’s eyes flashed with anger. “I just remembered...remembered why it never worked out.” Ava thought about how Dupree and Reed weren’t so different, charming self-centered, womanizers. “Look, I’m sorry Ava. I got carried away.” Reed coughed. “You sure did!” Ava turned just as Cam and Jimmy rolled out the back bar door flanked by two women, a blond and brunette laced between them. One carried pink heels in her hand and stumbled barefoot; the other girl wore a halter top with no bra. She whispered in Cam’s ear. He grinned, “We’re headed down to the Tennessee river. The girls here know a special spot. You grab Walt; he’s still at the bar with a girl. She knows the way. Then you all can bring the van down." "There’s a cooler of beer in the back,” Cam called over his shoulder as the group exited the alley in a zigzag line laughing. “The call of duty.” Reed reached out and took Ava’s hand. “Sure you don’t wanna come down and take a dip with us for old time’s sake?” “Nope.” Ava shook off his hand. “Fancy seeing you here tonight m'lady,” Reed bowed and curtsied. “Some people never change!” She turned and walked away. “Ava,” Reed’s voice cracked for the slightest second. Ava hurried down the alley then onto the street, determination beating through her. She would go home and pack up her and Liam’s things, leave Dupree for good this time. Ava marched up the cobblestone, hope swelling like a hum inside her.